Why you might not need to tell your spouse about your emotional affair
Looking for a new athletic challenge, Kyra took up CrossFit. It was instantly a perfect fit for her. She loved learning Olympic lifting, she loved how strong she became and she especially loved the CrossFit community. She raved to her husband how much she just loved the people she was meeting through CrossFit. He was happy for her but had no inclination to join CrossFit.
A year into joining her local CrossFit, a handsome devil named Ben joined. He too was married but was immediately very friendly with Kyra. They began chatting during and after workouts. At CrossFit happy hours and parties they would gravitate toward one another and find themselves lost in conversation. Kyra’s CrossFit friends started to joke that Ben was Kyra’s ‘CrossFit husband.’
Over time they started texting each other during the day, then calling each other when they were driving alone in their cars. Ben made Kyra laugh and he also seemed to enjoy her observations about life and parenting. Kyra found Ben to be a better listener than her husband. Kyra also found herself physically attracted to Ben and she was pretty sure that Ben felt similarly.
Both Ben and Kyra were committed to their marriages, but their friendship was only growing in intensity. In order to avoid upsetting her husband, Kyra put Ben in her phone as ‘Caitlin’ and told her husband that she was texting her CrossFit girlfriend. She knew this was deceitful but rationalized that her friendship with Ben made her a happier wife and therefore it was worth the deception.
What troubled Kyra, however, was the realization that Ben was the first person she texted when something good happened. And that Ben was the first person she called when something bad happened. She started to feel guilt and ambivalence about the relationship. She loved her husband, had no desire to get divorced, but was really enjoying this friendship.
She wondered: if this ‘emotional affair’ is making me happy, do I have to break it off? Is it really cheating if there’s no physical intimacy? And how would her husband react if he were to find out about the intensity of her relationship with Ben?
What is an emotional affair?
Emotional affairs are often characterized by a deep emotional connection with someone other than your partner. These connections can develop gradually, starting innocently as friendship or support, but over time, they can become more intimate and intense. Emotional affairs usually involve sharing personal and intimate details, seeking emotional support, and experiencing a sense of understanding and connection that may be lacking in the primary relationship.
It's important to distinguish emotional affairs from close friendships, as emotional affairs typically involve secrecy, deception, and a blurring of boundaries. Emotional affairs can be just as damaging, if not more so, than physical affairs because they erode the foundation of trust and emotional intimacy in a relationship. Recognizing the signs of an emotional affair is crucial in order to address the issue and take steps towards healing.
The emotional affair checklist
Recognizing the signs of an emotional affair is the first step towards breaking free from its grip. While every situation is unique, there are some common signs that can indicate you're caught up in an emotional affair. These signs include:
1. Secrecy and deception: You find yourself hiding your interactions with the other person, deleting messages, or lying about the nature of your relationship.
2. Emotional withdrawal from your partner: You feel emotionally disconnected from your partner and find more emotional fulfillment from the other person.
3. Constant thoughts about the other person: You constantly think about the other person, fantasize about a life together, and compare them to your partner.
4. Sharing intimate details: You share personal and intimate details about your life, dreams, and frustrations with the other person, often more than you do with your partner.
5. Neglecting your partner: You prioritize spending time with the other person over your partner, neglecting your relationship and eroding the emotional bond.
How much damage can one emotional affair cause?
No one wants to learn that their partner has been emotionally cozying up to someone outside of the relationship. The consequences can include:
1. Loss of trust: Emotional affairs involve secrecy and deception, which erodes trust in the relationship. Trust is the foundation of any healthy relationship, and without it, the relationship becomes fragile and vulnerable.
2. Emotional detachment: Emotional affairs can lead to emotional detachment from your partner, as you invest your emotions and energy into the other person. This can result in a lack of emotional intimacy and connection in your primary relationship.
3. Communication breakdown: As the emotional affair progresses, communication with your partner may suffer. You may find it difficult to open up, be vulnerable, and share your thoughts and feelings.
4. Increased conflict: Emotional affairs can create tension and conflict within the relationship. Your partner may sense that something is amiss, leading to arguments, jealousy, and insecurity.
5. Deterioration of the relationship: If left unchecked, emotional affairs can lead to the breakdown of the relationship. The emotional connection with the other person may become more important than the connection with your partner, leading to a loss of commitment and intimacy.
Should you tell your spouse about the emotional affair?
This one is controversial. Traditional couples therapists would insist on transparency and open communication. They would tell you to bare your soul, tell your partner everything and come clean. They would insist that this is the foundation of rebuilding your relationship, to rid your relationship of all secrets. Other relationship experts like Esther Perel or Dan Savage might say that total transparency is not required in order to re-invest in your relationship. They might argue that the disclosure of the emotional affair would cause more damage than is necessary in your relationship. In other words, how you proceed is up to you and what you think is best for your relationship.
If your spouse finds out about the emotional affair….
In the event that your spouse learns of your friendship without you telling them, here are some steps to guide your next steps:
1. Acknowledge and take responsibility: Recognize the emotional affair for what it is and take responsibility for your actions. Acknowledge the impact it has had on your partner and the relationship.
2. End the emotional affair: Cut off all contact with the other person involved in the emotional affair. This may involve blocking their number, unfollowing them on social media, and avoiding places where you might run into them.
3. Open communication with your partner: Initiate an open and honest conversation with your partner about the emotional affair. Express remorse, apologize, and be prepared to answer any questions they may have.
4. Seek professional help if needed: Consider seeking the assistance of a therapist to help you navigate through the healing process. A professional can provide guidance, facilitate communication, and help rebuild trust.
5. Rebuild trust and commitment: Rebuilding trust takes time and consistent effort. Be transparent, follow through on your commitments, and show your partner that you are committed to repairing the relationship.
6. Establish healthy boundaries: Set clear boundaries with your partner and ensure that both of you are comfortable with the level of openness and freedom in your relationship. Establishing boundaries can help rebuild trust and prevent future emotional affairs.
7. Focus on self-care and personal growth: Take time to focus on yourself and your personal growth. Engage in activities that bring you joy, practice self-care, and work on building your self-esteem and self-worth.
8. Reconnect with your partner: Make a conscious effort to reconnect with your partner on an emotional and intimate level. Plan date nights, engage in activities together, and create space for open and meaningful conversations.
9. Rebuilding intimacy: Rebuilding intimacy takes time and effort. Explore ways to reignite the passion and physical connection in your relationship. This may involve trying new things, being vulnerable, and prioritizing quality time together.
Breaking free from an emotional affair is a challenging journey, but with commitment, effort, and open communication, it is possible to repair the trust and connection in your relationship.
Why did this happen?
The important question after infidelity (emotional or physical) occurs is ‘why now?’ Was there something missing in your marriage? Is there something that you’re looking for? Are you looking to open your marriage or get divorced? In the beginning stages of healing after infidelity there are more questions than answers. A solid couples therapist can help you and your partner to search for the answers to the myriad of questions that may be raised.
How did Kyra proceed with Ben and her husband?
Realizing that she was too emotionally invested in her relationship with Ben, Kyra started to pull away. She told Ben that she was feeling guilty about their friendship and that she wanted to stop texting and calling each other. Ben was hurt but said that he understood. She continued to chat with Ben superficially during workouts but stopped attending all CrossFit happy hours or parties where she might be tempted to spend more time with him. She made a deliberate effort to spend more time with her husband.
Kyra opted not to tell her husband about the relationship, feeling that it would unnecessarily upset him. She did, however, ask her husband to join her in couples therapy so that they could work on strengthening her relationship.
She feels guilt occasionally about the emotional affair, but is using this extra-marital relationship as a catalyst to focus on her marriage. She sees it as a turning point in her marriage where she realized that if she didn’t actively invest in her marriage that she would end up divorced.
And that’s the conclusion: not every emotional affair needs to be disclosed but every emotional dalliance needs to be examined and learned from in order to grow and mature.